The Inner Lioness: I Care Too Much but Like…IDGAF…Like Forreal
Updated: Sep 6
If someone were to ask my mom for a phrase that I say that she probably didn’t want me to use (besides cuss words), it would probably be “I don’t care”. I don’t know if it’s because of all the emotional scars and wounds I’ve had to work through or because I just really…don’t…care. I wouldn’t be me if I also didn’t add that my Mars is retrograded in Leo and my Mercury and Venus are in Aquarius, so yeah…..but as someone who‘s pretty non-confrontational, it would always take a lot to get me out of character…like A LOT…and getting physical never made sense to me unless I was defending myself (I’m a naturally strong lil’ chocolaté ting who stays ready and doesn’t mind tussling but I pick my battles wisely, which is also why this complete lie from an irrelevant individual last year took me so long to get over…but anywho…moving right along!) in other words, self-control stays at the forefront of how I express my anger but my mouth has always been pretty feisty/merciless and another reason why I prefer to stay quiet; do I have a temper? Absolutely, but do I intentionally go out on the prowl every day, physically hurting people? Absolutely not. I might’ve messed up an inanimate object…or two…or three (I mean, why count when numbers are man-made?!) from being antagonized/agitated by external factors (a.k.a. people).
Growing up, I talked quite a bit, but at the same time I was quiet and observant. I can’t remember when it happened, but I started to realize that every time I would ask someone “what’s wrong?” or to explain why they were feeling some type of way in detail, they weren’t able to…and then boom! …there started the beginning of me losing my voice...at least vocally. I was good for sending long-ass text messages, though, especially when pissed off or when I would find out someone was cheating...and don’t even get me started when it came to always needing to have the last word or hitting below the belt?!? Nowadays, not so much. Today it’s giving very much “mhm”, ignore, an emoji, delete, and won’t even waste my time, depending on the context of the conversation.
I can be quite direct, but yet so soft depending on the topic because I try to listen first and then understand the person’s perspective, plus I try 45890765422 times before giving up on someone, even after the bullshit. That’s probably also why I start to play dumb with people when I can see they’re lying, fake, etc. (basically reflecting their energy). I’ve come to realize that I’m not a small-talk kind of individual, but I’ll play the game when necessary. Now, do I want to talk about cosmology or thought-provoking topics all day?! Absolutely not (well, actually, I could with the right people)…but I’m also not about to pretend to be interested in what’s trending (like celebrity gossip, politics, etc.) all the time because it’s none of my business and, more importantly, I don’t care. I’ll patiently listen, though, and check something out now and then because it helps me stay aware of what’s currently going on. Furthermore, as I mature, certain things don’t interest me anymore…but it could also be the energy I was surrounding myself with.
When I really think about it, it feels weird being an ambivert (heavy on the introvert) because I enjoy people sometimes and can be a big ass goof ball and walk in somewhere, speak, laugh, giggle, and set the vibes. On the other hand, I can be quiet, standoffish, sit down, and be in my own world. Either way, now that I’m typing everything out, I’ve grown a lot because catch me somewhere andddddd I have some decent music in my ears; trust and believe I’m gonna bop to it by myself. I’m not an entourage type of individual (solo dolo vibes).
Currently, I’m in a space where I don’t want to be bothered with nonsense because I don’t feel like hurting feelings…out loud…and I’m not about to just be out here being rude (even though the energy can easily give RBF, you’re boring me, don’t talk to me vibes) …blah…whatever. My tongue is still sharp, so nowadays it’s all about respect, kindness, and if I do say a lil’ jokey joke, I can only hope that it’s not in front of people who take it too seriously or personally.
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