The Dark Night of the Soul: Being the Victim, Mourning, Rising Up, and Moving Forward
Updated: Sep 6
To be clear, anyone who makes it through the tunnel of a dark night of the soul (there may be more than one) is a true soldier of life, and my heart goes out to anyone who chooses not to let the woes of life turn them into a selfish monster or continue a cycle of intentional pain, stress, hurt, etc., because it's not easy. Although dramatized, this documentary is a good example and a small glimpse of what a cycle of pain and poverty can do (and this is only one topic of many): Inside the Dark World of Assassins. umm…but don’t click it until you read my blog post first. Let's be real...some of us watch violence, sexual references, and drama through movies, video games, and whatever else all the time as adults, potentially young adults, and unfortunately, even kids...it's just romanticized or potentially censored. Perdita and Pongo from 101 Dalmatians didn't just have 99+ puppies out of thin air...
I contemplated making a video specifically tailored to what I'm about to dive into, but I want to take my time to express these thoughts as coherently as possible. Plus, I'm not one to cry on camera (it's okay if people do though...just not my cup of tea).
When I really think about it, my real dark night of the soul(s) started when I was T-boned in a car accident in October 2022 - not to mention it was during my Saturn return, and my Saturn is in Pisces…and I’m also a Pisces sigh…
Anywho, I've been thinking a lot about my fur baby, Bruno, who's no longer here, and I had another moment of random crying (purging emotional scars...spiritual deaths aren't fun). Unfortunately, he was "euthanized" by a shelter on December 11, 2023, alleging that it was because of his behavior, and it left me confused and contemplating so many things because it felt intentional or like retaliation, especially since it happened after a not-so-pleasant conversation with one of the individuals who worked there. I've been through a loss before that took some time to get over (my nana), but this is one I feel like purging through writing. Bruno and I are both Pisces (I like astrology; it is what it is). After a breakup a few years ago, for a Valentine's Day gift to myself, I literally handpicked him from the Dallas shelter because it was something about his eyes that drew me to him. He was only 1 year old at the time, and his calm, sweet demeanor mixed with a hyperactive personality was something I was willing to deal with. He was so gentle, loving, obedient, observant, playful, and afraid of loud noises, yet so strong, protective, defensive, and rebellious, and could easily sense bad energy, but anywho, that's beside the point I want to make.
We went through a lot of positive and negative moments, but his needs always came before mine, and even at my lowest moments, the Divine (God) took care of us. When I really think about it, my baby was already sick when he officially came home from training (which he didn't need) but he kept going (*sigh* he was a strong one) and maybe the Divine (God) knew I wouldn't have had the heart to have him "euthanized" WITH permission anyways if I had gotten him diagnosed - "I guess we'll never know" - Kanye West. I was being so naïve and oblivious to what was really going on (that's also why I don't trust overly friendly people anymore either).
Unfortunately, at the end of all the spiritual warfare, it wasn't meant for him to live or come back home with me and my "fight or flight" reactions, and emotional distress from being fed up caused me to make a decision under stress that was used to intimidate and threaten me, but I completely understand why (taking full accountability is a mf)...I even tried to right my wrong decision by letting the shelter where he was located know that I was coming for him as soon as possible, but clearly they had other plans (at that time, my Mercedes-Benz A220 was repossessed, finances were obsolete, and walking was my transportation, honey).
However, even before his death, when someone put a nasty note on the front of my door, it proved my intuition about being stalked through my social media to be true (I left a review about it, but I've literally and figuratively moved on in peace...and didn't get evicted, despite the note insinuating the opposite).
Anywho, back to the topic of my fur baby - I just hope they were gentle with him. It was such a weird time in my life because never in the five years of me living at my former apartments had I ever experienced such dishonesty and disgusting collaborative efforts from a group of people...actually, that's not true, but moving right along...
Anywho, I'm saying all of this to say, although his physical death is permanent, his death and a plethora of other life experiences taught me that it's okay to mourn, but life goes on. I've gained an immense amount of patience, courage, bravery, and character (which unfortunately may come with pain), and wisdom by facing the rewards and consequences of my actions alone; all without begging or receiving an apology from a few individuals from my past to own their mistakes. It sucks how some of us are willing to own our "wrong" decisions by having a conscience, but others don't. I'm truly disgusted with myself when it comes to not letting go of individuals until it was too late, thinking they would change. We're all a work in progress, though...and a villain to some but a hero to others...
Anywho, I was watching a sermon this morning, and he was discussing how we're not victims, but unfortunately, I disagree. I remember seeking out an unbiased opinion a.k.a. therapist several years ago (for whatever reason, healing myself is the only thing that truly worked, plus people can unintentionally project their health conditions and whatever else onto you) and she told me that initially, it was okay to be a victim when it came to our traumatic experiences (they're different for everyone) because sometimes things DO happen to us unwarranted and it's not fair. When it came to being a master manipulator of myself, I was putting myself amongst people, playing stupid, or taking disrespect without understanding how to effectively communicate when I lost the will to have a voice due to not being listened to. Hearing and listening are two different things. Once again, thankfully, The Divine (God) protected me because there are just some things I'm not willing to do for money (I'll do a lil' DoorDash...and DID...), but I could never bring myself to sell my body in exchange for monetary gain or engage in a ménage à trois, but to each their own. I'm a serial monogamist and a true lover girl who's made several mistakes when it came to my self-love journey: The good, the bad, and the ugly of celibacy.
To be honest, I could've been married by now (more than once), and I wouldn't have gone through half the bullshit I did (hmm...actually, who knows?!), but moving right along..I'm just going to be an "optimist" and believe that the Divine (God) still has the full package on the way...plus, I'm still healing. We ALL have our vices. I've grown out of a few (no addiction to hard drugs, though, and never felt the need to try them). *I would just like to clarify that ganja (which I no longer partake in…for now) is a herbal, holistic plant legalized in specific states that has both MEDICINAL and recreational uses. Chile, this is the internet, and my own projection of wanting to add a lil' humor or being misinterpreted feels the need to clarify such a thing.
I knew I was different (as we all are; everyone is unique) and meant to be set apart, but my heart was too open and didn't know how to be disliked until it was too late. Unfortunately, the ugly truth about life is that when it gets ready to teach us a harsh lesson, it's not the most pleasant, and the cycles WILL continue until we choose to break them.
At times, I feel like I believe in "karma" and energy always returning to us, but unfortunately, that's not always the case, or maybe it is, but it's not how we feel it should be returned. I've taken on some pretty heavy karma that wasn't mine to bear, but some of us are just built different.
Emotions/feelings make us human, and after we're done being the victim, there's an opportunity for choices to be made. I remember telling someone a while ago that we all have a choice when we make a decision, but they seemed to disagree (which is fair). In reality, a choice doesn't mean it's going to be right or wrong; it just means that a choice was made, and whether it's for survival, stability, or whatever the case may be, it all comes down to morality. Silence does not mean being guilty, and taking the fall for something you didn't do isn't a badge to be worn proudly, but to each their own. Different worlds have different rules.
When I went through my most recent experiences of spiritual warfare, my mother told me that the pressure had been building and building, and when the people and situations around me saw an opportunity to strike and take me down, they did...However, I'm not one to stay down for too long, and the Divine (God) works in mysterious ways. Unfortunately, we live in a world where humans have the potential to control each other (especially our minds) with power, media, influence, or by instilling fear & intimidation, so listening to discernment and intuition as we journey through life helps...and if it's not true, then why do some people prefer Amazon over eBay? ...or Shein over Louis Vuitton? ...it could definitely be due to financial reasons; however...it's the quality, preference, experience (positive or negative), and marketing that also play a role in the decisions we make.
We live in a beautiful world with an ample amount of opportunities, but we also live in a world that may be literally fighting, etc., to survive, stay relevant, or stay in power. At the end of the day, we're all vessels and I firmly believe that although there's vessels out here intentionally choosing darkness, that's none of my business because there's still some of us that are willing to face our shadow selves (unfortunately, triggers are never ending and happen daily), listen when necessary as a guide to learn from life lessons, and choose light - keeping in mind that we're all flawed, morality starts from within, and we ALL have issues.
More Intimate Thoughts and Perspectives: https://www.dominiquesrobertsw.com/blog
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