The Beginning of Healing Through Honesty: Taking Accountability
Updated: Sep 6
Deciding to share my thoughts through a blog is an interesting journey I've decided to embark on. To be honest, I was a bit worried about posting something online where thoughts are being shared, but it's my hope that when you find me and these posts resonate (whether "good" or "bad" feelings), I'm able to evoke a space that's inclusive and honest. I feel like there’s this unseen pressure to social media that involves promotion, SEO, marketing, and potentially lying, etc. for a quick dollar because now everything is a “business” …I was worried that if anyone found me, they might think I'm doing the same thing but I had to turn off the excuses of what may or may not happen and understand that if my intentions aren't to be malicious or get over on people, then it’s okay to express myself. Plus, this is fun for me! I genuinely love creating, web design, writing (well, now I do…I was always good at expressing myself through writing, but it wasn’t too fun back in the day during school since it wasn’t freelance), and music.
I tried the YouTube thing where I had a channel and ”invested” in promotion and other channels where I decided to be found and grow organically (hence the reason why I decided to keep my music channel up. For whatever reason, I just can't seem to let that one go. I love to listen to my lil' mixes now and then, and I'm genuinely proud of what I created and the few lil’ 30+ supporters who decided to tap in with me, but who knows?! Maybe I'll decide to show my face again to talk, be relatable, or sprinkle some encouraging words, but right now sharing my thoughts through writing feels like the best thing to do and feels more intimate at the present stage of my life. I'm starting to value real, genuine interaction and connections over a following on social media.
Okay, so boom...I thought I was going to start from the beginning and share how I was born in Houston, TX, a.k.a. H-Town, blah blah blah, but I'm being led to go in a different direction. As I lay here and type this, 2023 was probably one of the most traumatic years I've experienced in such a short amount of time. I went through so many emotions, and through every trial and tribulation, I had to figure out as far as how I was gonna make it through. Some of my decisions were logical, and others weren't, but either way, I had to take accountability for every single one.
During my Saturn return - if you're 27-29 years old, I highly recommend googling what a Saturn return is. Anywho, after I was T-boned in a car accident (thankfully, we were both able to walk away with no immediate medical attention) in October 2022 on my way to real estate class, it's like something changed inside of me afterwards. I don't know if it was the shock, adrenaline, or what, but I remained calm throughout the entire situation and did what I knew best, which was to call my mother...Anywho, I ended up getting a new car (shout out to that lemon of a used Mercedes-Benz A220), but things still went from bad to worse.
A few months later, that car ended up getting damaged in a parking lot too; it's also gone now but not because of the damage (clearly, I was striking gold in the luck department last year) …but anywho, like I said, something changed inside of me after that accident and I was feeling like I needed to have a real calling/purpose without being controlled by a steady 9-5 job because we only have one life to live with a limited amount of time, right?! I ended up quitting my job the next year to pursue DJing and run a lil' LLC I registered a few weeks before the accident, not understanding that things take time, research, and a steady income with savings, which I knew but I also started forming the wrong connections. More details here: I Had to Lose Myself to Find Myself. It's Okay to Be Unique.
Anywho, so now I was sitting there with no job, supporting myself and my dog, thinking I can make it by chasing my dreams and reignited passions without a stable income...NEWSFLASH, I wouldn't advise anyone to do what I did. With a dwindling income, trying to recover physically, emotionally, and mentally from the car accident with no financial support from anyone else's income; I ended up having to take a temporary leave of absence from the doctorate program I was attending (I only had oneeeeee year left, sigh), and it was for the best in order to figure things out...but nothing got better. With new management at my former apartment complex, we just weren't able to see eye to eye, and thankfully I stayed protected and was freed from the chaos I experienced... but not before all hell broke loose.
I ended up being able to get jobs throughout the breakdown I experienced, but when responsibilities pile up after such a traumatic experience - and on top of that, still healing from emotional wounds, and you're trying to recover alone (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.)- it can be difficult to catch up. After my leave of absence, nothing seemed to fall into place, and when I was reaching out for help, I started to take things personally when I needed someone to listen and be there for me. In such a vulnerable state of mind, it felt like no one wanted to help or would tell me they would try or they were doing something else, but when I really think about it, they had every right to feel that way because at the end of the day, we all have our own responsibilities to tend to...but unfortunately, it caused me to clam up and feel like I had to handle everything by myself...I mean, I had been living alone, working, and able to sustain myself for 5+ years, so whatever, I got this!...but that was the farthest from the truth, and reality slapped me in the face and swung me around in a matter of two weeks...
What started as playing on the internet/social media when it came to having a mental breakdown, turned into a real spiritiual psychosis moment(but then again...maybe not...because as time flies, I wasn't wrong; the details were just a bit scrambled) as I turned to "TikTok ya don't stop" and "X formerly known as Twitter" to spend my idle time. Anywho, the minute details that led up to this point aren't important because I feel like I shared enough in great detail when I was posting on social media (thankfully I had enough sense to deactivate the accounts). When I say I let loose at the fingertips?! I didn't care if it was a lie, the truth, good, bad, funny, or in-between. It was almost ironic because I loathe social media sometimes...it's a place where everyone potentially puts up a facade and only wants to share the good times or gain sympathy from the bad; "everything that glitters isn't gold"(I like this quote...a lot).
Anywho, I was so fed up and pissed off with everything that had happened within one year, I turned to the infamous world of social media to get my lil' lick backs, not realizing that all of these moments were happening for me, not to me (or maybe both, who knows?! I've finally moved on in peace). I'm no perfect patty, and I've made some pretty dramatic or illogical decisions, and in those moments last year, the chaos I created on social media manifested into my real life. It led to me being falsely accused by a former neighbor for something I didn't do, but it also led me to start over and be blessed with the opportunity to practice everything I once gave encouragement about on my former YouTube channel when it comes to hitting rock bottom...What I will say is, as an imperfectly perfect human being with a reasonable conscience and resilient heart, I always come back to self to find peace within. In those muddled moments last year, it felt like I was going to war with myself, strangers, and anyone else from my past because I was tired of being "the mediator," "the doormat," and the person who gets to be walked all over but life isn't fair and I'm grateful that ultimately, I was able to make the necessary changes to move forward in peace.
Taking accountability isn't easy, and it's a choice we have to want to make. Personally, after I made the conscious decision to take accountability for everything I've done and by being truthful and honest with myself, it allowed me to move forward with the understanding that it's the difficult moments in life: the moments that make you face your fears, the moments where your back is against the wall, the moments that make you question the "would've, could've, should've" experiences in life, and the moments that make you realize you can be your own worst enemy, that build true character and wisdom. The Divine (God) kept me safe and protected throughout everything. It sounds cliché, but this past year was a "blessing in disguise," and the one good thing about hitting rock bottom (or experiencing the woes of life) is that if you choose to...it's only up from there.
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